simply

expansion
ready to rousal
assert

positive images
I choose

emotionally shallow in manic depression
compliant in moral defense

in side out

all three
sensation/ perception/ feeling +
imagination/ dream/ nightmare +
action/ relaxation/ planning
integrated
mastered

cannot feel need/ desire or frustration of need
if towards object
I feel terror
I feel overwhelmed
I feel disgust
I feel drained

only when they are not there
can I feel longing
not coming from need or desire
but from fantasy

in childhood:
my family doesn't want what I want
they cannot satisfy my need
they give up easily, halfway there
they don't find it worth it at all

"they won't give what I need"
"I don't want what they offer"
covering
"I'm not wanted"

I'm not equal?
I'm not treated like an equal

furthering

it's not projection of the abuse;
it's identification with the aggressor
it's their projection
that's the pull
their lack of mirroring
their black hole lack of acknowledgement and projection/ extension

identification with aggressor manic depressive
aggressing manically against depression
depressing manically against aggression
if you can accept the helplessness of their abandonment depression
you'll stop trying to help

for them it's mania, depression 
or primal self annihilated by primary identification

heard lyrics
"And give me support,
For being alive.
Make me alive.
Someone to make me come through
Someone to make me care
Who'll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
And make me aware of being alive
I'll always be there,

As frightened as you,
To help us survive,
Being alive."

yuck and yikes

projected self

mastery
mastery of negotiating a manic depressive parent
the lack of mastery of the anxiety and of self and of getting my needs met

and mastery of it
I did it!

conversation
calling mama I heard myself
put that need on the inside
personified it
and I put mama on the outside
separated myself from my identification with her
there's two people here, now!

I'm asking her to contain my fear, my badness
I'm asking her to fear for and care about my safety and security
to protect me
to take responsibility for protecting me
instead of me doing it
instead of me having eyes in the back of my head

you caused the tension!
I release it
you take it, you contain it, you digest it

indirect ways to express, to try to satisfy needs, agency
and trying to satisfy what we think the other wants

I need you to do what's right, what needs to be done, accomplished
I need you to care about what's right, about me
but I need to focus on the first
I can only demand the first
out of my hands the other

again
the image of the depressed, helpless self of the other
vitalizes me
releases me

the underbelly of masochistic self sacrifice
projecting vulnerable, worthy, scared self onto other
and wanting to take care of them
protect them
value them

sadistic projection
you're dead, impotent, dependent, spaced out
not like me

but this is re-projection
this is the mentally ill, alcoholic parent

mental illness mama

surrendering to the identification
experiencing the depressive manic states and the abusive stories
releasing the identification

in separating
accepting my mother's mental illness
releasing the idea of separating the illness from the person

children outside calling
hiding inside, needing to grow
taking back the need for life, vitality, succor, holding
releasing
opening
surrendering my constricting detachment, deadness to

mama!

opening
my mouth
releasing my need
I hear it

describing anxiety
as telling me there's not enough
I'm too much
personifying anxiety
personifying me

arisen in sleep

dream 
hearing beautiful version of 'O come all ye faithful'
customized
"Oh come let us adore himmmmmmm (clipped and then like a bell)
Oh come let us adore himmmmmmm
No one can tell me how long I need to gaze upon him, spend with him (something like that)"
Jesus!
good friday

abuse
experienced projecting detached, depressed self onto other
and rejecting them, leaving them
as life saving, reviving; as grace

and then being drawn, wanting to rescue them;
how effective that was, how good it felt, how right
what  a relief
to purge, abort, give up
to  reunite, idealize, forget

abuse and anger

god
why can't I tell someone
that I'm still being abused internally
that the abuser got me to abuse myself
that it left me with no one to get angry at except me
that if I did get angry at them they would use that to make me feel powerless and wrong and weak